Twilight Crossing Deluxe
by Luna Raven 1908
Summary: Chow tells his story. He meets Aro, and it is just weird. Plus... cameos from other shows (NO SPOILERS!)


Twilight Crossing Deluxe!

#4 Chow's Monologue

#5 No Need For Chow

A/N: The three cats are huge wrestling fans and claim to be members of D-Generation X (Fans of WWE during the Attitude era will know what I am talking about).

Lola is an original character, not part of Animal Crossing or Twilight.

This was originally written in 2013, which can explain the Miley Cyrus tongue/twerking reference.

Chow's P.O.V.

Hey, fignuts! How the fuck are ya, aiya? My name is Chow and I am in hell- I mean Forks.

Let me start at the beginning, aiya. I was born in Japan- more like created. I grew up in the town of Big Paw, spent some years with a three headed horny beast, a few more years with Inuyasha, and here I am, on the bed of a girl the Cullens call Nessie.

I can remember when I met Jacob. He was a little boy who smelled like a wet dog even back then. I'll never know why his pops gave him a pink panda, aiya. When I first saw Jake I thought "Who is this roody poo?"

Who was this roody poo candy ass jabroni? He smelled like those cops back in Big Paw that I used to play pranks on, so I decided to mess with the 6 year old mutt child too.

I poured warm water in his bed every night for seven years; Jake thought he was a bed wetter until he was thirteen! Aiya!

I would never do that to Renesmee though. She's weird, but so is her whole family. I'll just stick to playing with Inuyasha. It will be more fun now that I have an ally in the blonde woman. Rosalie must be my goddess, she loves to fuck with Jake just as much as I do, even if she's too much of a lady to admit it.

So one day after becoming part of the Cullen family, they were freaking out over someone named Aro. He was coming to check on things. What things, I wondered. Maybe it's the fact these gold eyed freaks drink blood and never sleep, though I can't really talk about freaks- I'm a talking, walking pink panda bear from Big Paw- a stuffed animal's answer to hick town y'all… I mean aiya.

Well, this guy Aro walks in like he's king or some shit. Nessie was holding me and I played the role of toy bear. That was hard because all I could see was Aro's bright red eyes, aiya! He had red eyes! So help me God, red eyes!

"Who is your little friend, young Renesmee?", Aro hissed.

"It's MY bear.", said Nessie. "Jacob gave him to ME, not you."

Wow, who knew Nessie had a bratty side? Aro would have turned green with envy if he wasn't so pale. This assclown was weirder than all of the Cullens combined, aiya.

Then another of the weird visions popped in my head. It seems to happen when ever Nessie is touching me. This time it was Aro getting pelted with little girl's shoes. It was clear that she didn't like this freak. I had to stop myself from laughing, aiya.

Aro giggled. "Someday Jacob will give ME a bigger and nicer bear than this ragball!"

Jacob looked like he wanted to puke. It was like Brokeback but with rejection and Inu—

Wait a fucking minute! RAGBALL?! Now I'm pissed, aiya!

Aro got in close to my face; perfect time to thank him for his "compliment". I quickly moved in closer and shouted "BOO!"

Aro backed into the wall so fast he knocked the graduation cap art down. He hissed too, making the Cullens laugh, aiya.

"Aro, this is Chow.", Carlisle said. "He was Jacob's old bear passed down to Renesmee."

Aro got back on his feet. "Jacob's old bear, huh? I thought it kind of smelled like a sexy dog."

Jacob ran out to puke. Goddess Rosalie told me that vampire sex makes Jakey barf.

"Well, since… Chow, was it?", said Aro. "…is Jacob's little baby, then…"

Spoiler warning- this guy is fuckin' nuts, aiya.

Aro smiled. "…then I'm like his mama!"

"Oh, shut the fuck up, aiya!", I yelled.

'Awwww… he's cussing already." The nutjob went to tickle my chin. "Cootchie cootchit coo!"

I slapped him away. Who died and made this asshole king? Aiya!

Aro headed for the door. "I'll go back to Volterra and bring back some toys for the baby!" He then rushed away and Nessie put me down.

"Bye, Dick-douche!", Nessie waved at the assclown.

Edward sighed. "He plans on bringing diapers too. You have been warned, Chow."

Before I continue, did you know my shit is a pukey yellow, aiya? I saw other pandas pissing and shitting on that show "Ridiculousness", so then I recorded myself dropping dump at a wild party back home in Big Paw. It was confiscated and put on YouTube (thanks, Gaston).

So Nessie called Aro a Dick-douche…

"Renesmee Carlie Cullen!", Bella scolded. "Where the fuck did you hear that from?"

"Chow said it last night on the phone, Mama."

Then Carlisle got all up in my grill. "What the fuck were you doing on the fucking phone, Chow? I saw the movie "Ted"! You better not be calling your fucking dealer!"

"No, aiya.", I calmly replied. "I was just calling Build -A-Bear Workshop for some adult entertainment. The guy on the other end was being a dick-douche. Besides, Inuyasha is in charge of my weed, aren't you, Inuyasha? Aiya!"

Jacob didn't hear me, he was still outside retching. "He's also in charge of wiping my ass!"

I was actually lying to Carlisle. I was really calling in some help to mess with Jake, but now I need that help to declare war on that assclown Aro.

"Heh, heh, heh…"

Just then a chill came over me. It couldn't be…

The psychic girl, Alice, looked out of one of the many windows. "That sounds like…"

"ME!"

Now I was the one hissing, aiya. How did the three headed beast find me?

"What do you want, Beavis?", asked Edward.

I sighed, guessing it was only Beavis. He came in through another window besides the one Alice looked out of, but then Socko and Yugi followed him. I should have known, aiya. Did they follow me? This was not the help I asked for, aiya!

"Nice to see you, aiya," I said politely to them. "So Beavis, how many of my kind have you ripped apart since we last met?"

Beavis laughed. "None since your sister. Heh heh heh."

Yugi laughed. "Yeah. Lola is a slut"

Yeah these two could be assholes, but Socko was okay; he didn't try to hump me.

"What brought you here, Chow?", asked Socko.

"Inuyasha brought me for his little girlfriend, aiya."

Yugi laughed again. "I thought you were my girlfriend, Madame Chow-ga."

Oh how I hated their pet name for me. "Go roll around in dirty underwears, you dick douche. Aiya!"

Emmett was confused. "You all know each other? What about those DX guys?"

Oh hell. The three headed beast was still handing that crap around? "These fools still claim to be DX members?", I asked. "Damn it aiya! Face it dip-dicks! DX was a fake group created by a wrestling promoter! Wrestling is fake, aiya! You are NOT part of D-Generation X!"

"Maybe not…", said Beavis. "… but your sister still fell for it when she bowed down to the BIG BAZOOKA!"

"Don't talk about Lola like that."

Then Edward spoke up. "When do I get a real line in this freak show? We have a house full of vegetarian vampires…"

What? How can a vampire be vegetarian? By biting into tomatoes, aiya?

"…a half human/half vampire…"

Now that's just weird, aiya.

"…a dog boy…"

Heh-heh. SIT, Inuyasha!

"…three cats that don't smell like anything…"

"Damn straight, glitter fairy!", Beavis butted in.

That is a bunch of bullshit though… make it more like catshit, aiya. I have smelled their litterbox. I was throwing up just like Inuyasha is doing now. Oh, and I have had Beavis's big ass feet in my face. Think stale popcorn, aiya. BLEECCCH!

Speaking of Jacob, he came back in after his jolly good hurl. He looked like he barfed up lemon scented chunks with stomach grease, aiya. "SIT BOY!", I yelled.

Edward continued on. "… a walking, talking pink panda toy with an attitude…"

To quote Beavis: Damn straight, glitter fairy!

"… what's next? Stewie and Brian from 'Family Guy'?"

Just then, a white dog and a football headed kid walked in. The kid was wearing a "Team Jacob" shirt and nothing else, aiya. I mean his twig and berries were hanging there. His tiny tic-tac was out. The boy was showing brain, aiya.

"Someone call for me?", the boy said in an effeminate British accent.

The kid walked up to Jacob and started twerking in front of him, aiya. You call it twerking, I call it dance porn… better make that child dance porn- SICK, aiya! Then the kid turned around and did that creepy tongue thing Miley Cyrus does.

"Call me, Jacob.", he whispered.

Uh-oh, aiya…

Nessie screamed and tackled the kid. She dragged him by the head into the other room and all we could hear was punching sounds and cussing, aiya. Nessie was cussing like the kid from "A Christmas Story". She'll probably be grounded; I'll have to remember to bring her some contraband…

"No, you won't, panda boy.", Edward said to me. How did he do that?

"So… got any beer?", the dog asked Esme.

"No, sorry."

The dog went into the other room. "Hey, Stewie!", he shouted. "I'm gonna kick what's left of your ass for dragging me here!"

The punching sounds stopped, and Nessie came back in. Stewie ran out buttnaked with two black eyes. The dog followed him. "Who's leg do I have to hump to get a tall cold one around here?", he muttered.

Aiya…

Bella turned to Nessie. "Nothing but human food for a week!"

"Aw, come on! He asked for it!"

"Want to make it two?", asked Edward.

"One's good.", Nessie said.

Too bad Edward nipped my gift of contraband in the bud. Yeccchhh…

Carlisle shook his head. "We are surrounded by freaks. Who else can show up at our doorstep?"

"I'm here, stuffin'!"

Score! My buddy Stitches was here! This was who I called in from Big Paw.

Rosalie's eyes lit up. "He's so cute!"

"Chow!", said the multi-colored bear. "My brother from another mother, stuffin'!"

Beavis gave him the look. "Me so horny…"

Stitches looked confused. "W—what?"

"…me love you long time!"

Beavis ran after a screaming Stitches and pinned him, ready to hump. I ran over and pulled him out from under Beavis's legs.

"DO NOT HUMP, AIYA!", I yelled.

"I'm too young, stuffin., cried Stitches.

Yugi giggled. "Yeah, and Chow's sister's too nasty. She's a slut."

Stitches brought out a bag. "I brought the T.P. and shaving cream from Big Paw. Nook didn't have any whoopee cushions in stock, but…"

I smacked him in the back of the head. "Not in front of the D-O-G, you dumb shit!"

Aiya. Stitches is a kid. I need to train him, but first- "Operation: Assclown" overrides "Operation: Punk'd Inuyasha". I filled Stitches in, telling him how Aro called me a ragball, aiya. In fact, I read it word for word from this book.

"And how did you do that?", asked Edward.

"I'm very gifted, aiya.", I answered. This led me to testing him. "What am I thinking now?'

"That black cat you want to do."

Socko's eyes got big. "Hey!"

I gave him a look. "Not you Sock-head!" It was actually Kiki, another resident of Big Paw… damn, Edward is good. "How do you do that, aiya?"

"I'm in your head. RIGHT. NOW." Edward stared at me. Scary, aiya… moving on!

"It's Aro's Hell Day!", I shouted. "We're off to Volterra!"

Stitches jumped up. "Yay! Where's that?"

"It's… um…" Where the fuck was it?

"It's in Italy.", the poodle one named Jasper said to me.

I jumped up. "Then we're off to Italy, aiya!"

"Yay! Just like Jersey Shore, stuffin'!"

As we were leaving, Yugi said "Stitches, you really do have a cute tush. Talk about stuffin'."

Talk about sexual harassment, aiya.

We never made it to Italy though. Yeah, we got lost in the forest behing the main Cullen's house, but that assclown Aro will return. I will have my revenge!

Stitches and I returned to the house, and for some reason Beavis was twerking.

"Miley hot, Edward not!", he sang.

Bella looked irritated. "Oh, go home, Beavis!"

"Ok, Sockholio will twerk for me!"

The cats went to leave. Beavis wanted to hump Lola, and let's face it- my sister IS a bog ol' slut. Socko and Yugi went outside quietly but Beavis had to make an exit. "And if you're not down with that, I got two words for ya—"

Now I'm irritated. "YOU ARE NOT PART OF D-X!"

Later on, I was chillin' with Stitches. I asked him what he had been up to since I left Big Paw.

"Oh, I was the cuddle monster to a kid named Seth Clearwater!"

I nearly choked on my Budweiser (Esme lied to that dumb dog). I remember Seth. He was always running around the rez with his droopy drawers falling down, aiya. Mama was too cheap to buy him a belt, I guess.

"His sister was a pest, though,", continued Stitches. "One time she put me in a frilly doll's dress and bonnet. It did make me question myself, stuffin. I did like those lacy American Girl underwears!"

I need to not drink beer while Stitches speaks, aiya, because again I nearly choked. "UGH! TMI! AIYA!"

The truth is, Jacob's sisters did the same shit to me but with Cabbage Patch Kid clothes. I would never admit it and it definitely did not make me question my manhood!

Back to now… it's night. The vamps are fornicating. The girl is sleeping. Stitches has to use the bathroom and did I mention the dog is also sleeping? Not for long, aiya.

"Hey, Inuyasha!", Stitches yelled. "Get in here and wipe my ass, stuffin'!"

I've taught that boy well, aiya.

I'm catching some Z's right now. WAKE ME AND REGRET IT, FIGNUTS!

Tomorrow's adventure: Rin Tin Tin Makes A Mess Mess Mess or A Regular Ordinary Day With Jacob Black; I haven't decided yet, aiya.


End file.
